DYSFUNCTIONAL CYCLE OF MARRIAGE

 

  “Do men know what women want?”…Typically, the answer to this question is “They don’t have a clue!!” As a marriage counselor, so much of my time is spent convincing female partner’s that their male counterparts truly are unaware of how to please her. This observation is not, in any way, intended to paint men as stupid or naïve. However, most men are very concrete thinkers when it comes to relationships. Concrete thinking basically means “A leads to B”. The very basic or primal nature of men is that they are hunters. The hunting nature is solution focused and can be plainly interpreted (ie. need food… hunt animal).  An example of this type of thinking in a relationship from the male perspective could be “I took my wife and kids out to dinner last night…therefore she should be happy”. However, the husband does not get the expected result because the next morning she is yelling at him about getting the kids dressed.”   This may be an over-simplification; nevertheless, the confusion for men, in such a case, is real.

 

     Now, to complicate matters, the primal nature of women is totally opposite from men. Women, by nature, are nurturers and gatherers. Today’s term for this is “multi-taskers”. Women can juggle many balls at one time. However, just because they can, does not mean that they necessarily want to. This concept unfortunately is not always evident to men. Husbands know that they wives are doing more than they themselves are doing in relation to the house and the kids, etc…, but they believe that their wives like it and want to do this. A leads to B thinking dictates that you do it because you like doing it. In part, the husband is right. Wives may enjoy cooking, dressing the 5 year old, coloring with the 2 year old, bringing the 10 old to soccer practice, having a clean house and even may enjoy the activity of making love, as well. However, doing all of these things, within a given 4 or 5 hour evening can be exhausting and may be asking too much of one human being. The dilemma for females is that these nurturing needs, and sometimes even more, are often required within a day to properly care for family. Sure, the tasks may change, but the needs still remain the same…children, homes, spouses, etc. need care and attention. The result of one person meeting all of these requirements is an overwhelmed individual. Traditional societal roles place this expectation on the female spouse. Perhaps in previous centuries it may not have been such a stressful job. However, in the fast pace of modern society, this job can be daunting. 

 

      Unfortunately, societal traditional expectations have not yet conformed to the pace it has set. Therefore, this expectation fuels the female spouse’s frustration as it rises to a slow boil.  She notices that her husband does not seem to carry this burden and is not as active in the routine as she seems to be. Furthermore, he does not seem to notice, or does not communicate that he recognizes his wife’s heightened activity level.  His wife considers him to have a lack of regard for her, which leads her to have greater resentment towards him. Her internal thoughts conclude that if he can just sit there while she struggles through every day, then he really does not love her or care about her. More often than not, this conclusion could not be further from the truth. Husbands do not consider “love” to be part of the equation. In his mind, he loves her; therefore he married her and is still with her. The wife does not know that her husband’s belief system sounds like “she must like doing all of these things, because she does them every day”. Remember, this is A leads to B thinking. Because the typical male does not naturally have the nurturing aspect in his make-up, the data of the needs of children or the needs of the house or the needs of his wife, do not compute. Women are likely to label this as “selfish”. However, this is an inappropriate label, because selfishness is a root intention and I have not met many men who, in the beginning of family life, intend to ignore the needs of his wife and children. However, I have met many who become this way after existing in the dysfunctional cycle of a relationship.   

 

     The way in which a dysfunctional cycle begins was described above. Furthermore, husbands believe they are doing fine by providing the very basic provisional needs. His belief at a fundamental level is that his willingness to bring home a paycheck should meet the needs of his wife and children. For wives, the provisional role should be a “given”, this is just expected…problem #1. Men feel that his contribution is devalued and they feel unappreciated. Often times the expectation does diminish the contribution. 

 

     Problem #2 begins as wives feel taken for granted because she is contributing more of herself to the needs of the children, her spouse and the home, than is her husband. The wife may or may not have an outside job, but somehow the wife feels that she has been assigned to fulfill all of the family life needs. Resentment increases and the power struggle is activated.

 

     The dysfunctional cycle only intensifies from this point as venomous resentment builds internally within the wife. However for a while, she is able to represent herself with a smile outwardly....problem #3. Her husband thinks things are fine because A leads to B thinking interprets a smile to mean happiness. He has no idea that his wife is internally building a case against him. Sure, he notices that he is not quite getting from her the gratitude he needs for his financial contributions and he certainly recognizes that intimacy is less frequent, and yes he can hear her heavy sighs about the children, but because he witnesses his wife’s smile, he merely writes it off as just part of the deal…problem #4. Then the nagging begins. FYI…MEN DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH NAGGING!!!!

 

     Nagging is not a straightforward communication style. Furthermore, because men have never learned to communicate this way, they do not know how to interpret it; therefore they ignore it (i.e., A leads to B thinking). Nagging does not necessarily define the problem. The solution focused mentality of males requires definition of a problem. If there is no defined problem, the computer of the male brain will ignore what it does not understand…problem #5. As a result, wives feel abandoned and discarded. The female brain will compute an emotional message that may sound much like “He does not love me or care about me”...problem #6. 

 

     Addressing problem # 5 and # 6 is a good place for couples to begin dismantling the dysfunctional cycle. If the female spouse will replace nagging with defining, in concrete terms, what she needs from her husband, and then addressing her spouse, in a respectful manner, her husband may be able to positively respond. As a marriage counselor, when I introduce this concept to couples, I often hear wives state “Well, he ought to know what I need because I have told him a million times.” My rebuttal is always “But how have you told him?” Men will run from anything that may feel like, look like or seem like rejection from their wives. Although males may face and tolerate rejection in the world throughout the day, they can not stand rejection from their wives. The reason for this is not because they respect the world more than they respect her, but because they respect her more than the world.  Males can quickly get over what others think of them, but because they have allowed themselves to be vulnerable to their wives, they invest a lot of their opinion about themselves in how their wives view them.

 

     The challenge for wives is defining the exact problem. Typically women speak in non-direct language. For instance, wives need to understand that when she says to her husband “I just want you to love me” or “I just want you to help me”, men need more concrete terms, like how do you want him to help you. Problem # 7 begins right here. Although communication broke down earlier in the cycle as expectations were unexpressed, the obvious communication break down occurs here. 

 

     Men want nothing more than to know that their wives are happy; more specifically, happy and thrilled with him. Therefore, when she says “I just want you to help me with the kids”, he says “ok” because this will make her happy. His intentions are to help with the children; however, he really does not know exactly what she wants him to do for the children. Now, he does see the obvious and if he were running his own ship, he could probably do a pretty good job. However, typically the wife has more explicit expectations related to the family routine, and her expectations are more than likely quite different than his. Now, he is unsure about her precise desires about how to run things and he definitely does not volunteer to take on a new challenge with the children or the daily routine because he remembers the scolding he received from his wife when he voluntarily dressed the toddler in an unmatched ensemble or when he washed the clothes and everything turned pink or when he tried to bring home dinner and forgot that his wife was on a diet, etc…. What he does know is that the rejection he experienced from her scolding hurt very deeply and he does not want that from his wife ever again. 

 

     His pride, as well as his need to rescue her, will trump the humility he needs to ask what specifically she needs from him. However in actuality, he needs this information because he does not know and does not want to be scolded for guessing. But instead of asking or attempting, he does very little or does nothing at all…problem #8. 

 

     Women, on the other hand, just want their husbands to know what they expect, as if husbands are mind readers…problem # 9. Often times, wives resent having to tell their husbands what to do because they feel as if they have to parent another person. They expect their husbands to know what the children, the home and their spouse needs. Mothers feel “pull-on” and ultimately they want to be rescued by their male counterparts. However, the resentment build as their belief system continues to convince them that their husband is another dependant, rather than a partner. Therefore, rather then lovingly and respectfully describing, explaining and demonstrating to their husbands what they need, they just write him off as a “lost cause” and treat him with distain and distaste…problem # 10. The male feels rejection in a way that he cannot process. 

This rejection leads them to emotionally cut-off from their spouse, to the point that the wife can no longer reach him and assistance is required.