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Making Marriage Work

Murphy Toerner

Making a marriage work starts way before the wedding ceremony.  It starts way before pronouncing the vows and saying, "I do." 

Making a marriage work starts with an instilled value system and a determined mindset which develops when we are children.  Most of us keep our commitments and our covenants because we learned the value of keeping our promises while we were growing up. 

How does one develop this kind of value system? 

When a young person watches his or her parents faithfully keep their vows in marriage, it inherently solidifies the value of keeping one's word.  When a young person witnesses their parents choosing to stay together; choosing to make their marriage work through the good times and the hard times, it reinforces the value of being true to their word.   

When a couple chooses to work through their problems centered around:

• rearing children and parenting styles
• in-laws   
• boundaries with extended family members
• finances
• effective communication
• physical and sexual intimacy 
• diversity in problem solving 
• health issues 
• navigating through disappointments and setbacks 
• spiritual issues and differences  
• conflict resolution
• being able to work as a team
• infidelity
• career setbacks

... their children witness what a healthy marriage looks like.  When we "see" something done correctly, it is a lot easier to implement that behavior into our lives.  This is a form of modeling.  Knowing theories about success in marriage is one thing (a good thing), but actually seeing one's parents work hard at creating a successful marriage is more effective.  Seeing someone practice keeping their word of honor; keeping their vow is a powerful teaching tool.  It helps to instill that same value in the person who witnessed it.  

When parents treat one another with respect and dignity (even when they are not in agreement) is a power dynamic to witness.  When a husband and wife can agree to disagree, when they don't get angry with one another about differing opinions, it lays the foundation for the children to do the same when they get married.   

Seeing things done in a positive and Godly way is the absolute best teacher.  However, God can teach us how to do things His way even if our parents didn't do things His way.  It is the "reverse application theory."  If you saw your parents do everything wrong, you simply do the reverse of what you saw.  This works beautifully and God is faithful to help you gain whatever skills you need to keep your marital covenant.