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210 July 28th

Don't Touch Me!

When I was in high school and college, most cars and trucks had "bench seats," not bucket seats. (Yes, I am dating myself!)  While on a date, if the guy said something annoying or if there were a miscommunication, the girl slid all the way over to the passenger's side door and kept her distance.  This "non-verbal" communication meant, "I'm mad at you; don't touch me."

Sadly, the "don't touch me" dynamic is common in dating relationships and marriage.  It starts with some kind of offense and one or both partners choose distance from one another as a means to protect from further injury.  The distance can be the width of a vehicle.  It can be going home to mama.  It can be living under the same roof and without speaking.  The silence is deafening.  

What's sadder is that many of us don't know how to resolve the distance and the silence.  Some people are experts at distance and silence.  They keep their distance for a day, two, three, or more.  When they see one another or when enough time has passed, they act as though nothing ever happend.  This is called, "there's an elephant in the room and nobody wants to acknowledge it" kind of self-protection.  I'm sure you know it. 

Another non-solution to silence and distance is the, "enough time has passed and I don't feel the pain any more" technique.  In this instance, the passage of time causes our emotional pain to wane.  In time when we re-engage, we act as if nothing has happened.  The problem with both of these "non-solutions" is they don't work.  Neither are successful at leading to full reconciliation. 

As a young married couple who struggled with this kind of stuff, God showed Mike a great solution that worked with me.  It might not work for you, but never-the-less, it's worth sharing.  One day, Mike and I got into it and I shut down and started to distance.  It was definitely one of those, “Don’t come near me and definitely don’t touch me” situations.  Instead of doing our usual distancing dance, Mike leaned toward me and in the sweetest, calmest voice said, "I know you don't want me to touch you, but would you consider touching just the end of my finger.  I don't want us to be disconnected."  Then, he extended his index finger in my direction. 

I was not prepared for the "hold my finger" thing and I started to smile and laugh a bit.  I was tickled by his endearing request.  We found out that day that I can't stay angry when I laugh.  It is impossible.  Once I grin, giggle, or laugh, all anger and resentment break off of me.  As you might guess, I gave in and held Mike's index finger.  Then, I held two or three fingers.  It did not take long for us to hold hands and reconcile our miscommunication.   This worked for us.  It was effective in disarming our tense moments.  

God came through for us.  He taught us how to break through the distance and the silence.  He wants to do the same for you.  Ask Him to show you how to get a break through in some area of your significant relationships.  I believe if you, the other person, and God work together, God will show you more productive ways of working things out.