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When Pleasing Others is Hurting You Dr. David Hawkins,  Marriage and Family Therapist

In her bestselling book Peoplemaking, Virginia Satir (one of the leaders in the formation of Marriage and Family Therapy) notes that each child in a family needs to have a unique and distinct place within the family.  In fact, children will go to extremes to create their own place within their family of origin.  Satir found that the children will usually take on the role and communication style of the:

• distracter
• placater
• computer
• blamer

The "distraction" wants to take the focus off anything happening at the moment that may be too intense.

The "computer" is disengaged emotionally and handles things matter-of-factly.

The "blamer" finds fault with everyone, attacking others and using shame to manipulate them.

The "placater" tries to please everyone.  They are the harmonizers, uncomfortable with conflict and tension.  They are also the codependents that eventually end up losing their own identity in their marriages and other relationships.

Usually it is the "placater" who is the most sensitive child in the family.  Also, it is the placater who hates to see any pain in his or her other family members.   Placaters are the children who will lose track of their own feelings and opinions and base every decision on their ultimate desire to bring peace to the family.  The "placater" is very uncomfortable when others in the family are feeling any sort of "pain."   They will set aside their own feelings, goals and dreams in an effort to bring harmony to the family as a whole. 

The reason we are focusing on the role of  "placater" is because children who take on this role are the ones most prone to become "codependent."

Codependency is the absence of relationship with self, a child's reaction to a dysfunctional family.  When children live with people who ar not dependable, the child never learns to depend on others or self in healthy ways; they depend on fixes, externals and inappropriate people.  They allow people to depend on them, or they isolate and appear independent.  Dependency on externals becomes an addiction.  Codependency is a symptom of abuse and the loss of identity, which is self-intimacy.  (Terry Kellogg, Broken Toys, Broken Dreams:  Understanding and Healing Codependency, Compulsive Behavior and Family [Amherst, MA:BRAT Publishing, 1990], xviii.)

 Codependency is a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence, emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically on a person or object.  Eventually this dependence on another person becomes a pathological condition that affects the codependent and all other relationships.  (Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, quoted in Terry Kellogg, Broken Toys, Broken Dreams, xviii.)

 Codependency is a pattern of living, coping and problem solving created and maintained by a set of dysfunctional rules within the family or social system.  These rules interfere with healthy growth and made constructive change very difficult, if not impossible.  (Robert Subby, quoted in Kellogg, Broken Toys, Broken Dreams, xix.)

Codependency is a dependence of focus on another person, on the relationship at the expense of the self.  (David McKirahan, quoted in Kellogg, Broken Toys, Broken Dreams, xix.)

 It is the placaters, who will slowly, quietly lose themselves because they are caught up in the pain of their parents or their other siblings.  This never happens in one fell swoop.  It takes time, but the long-term damage is huge.

From Murphy -- Ask yourself: 

Do I consistently put other people ahead of me? 

Do I think that the pain of others needs to be tended to before even considering dealing with my own pain? 

Do I focus so much on others that I neglect things that need to be tended in my own life? 

If you do, you could be struggling with "Codependency." 

Dr. David Hawkins' book, When Pleasing Others is Hurting You, might be helpful.  God does want you to be able to relate to other (and yourself) in healthy, productive ways...

Praying for you.