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Mothers May Find Peace Through P.I.E.S.    Suzette Bowen, M.Ed, NCC

As I counsel couples who are challenged with marital and family difficulties, one of the recent prevailing issues is mothers who report feeling overwhelmed and unsatisfied with family life.  Often times, these mothers struggle with depression, isolation, loneliness, and lack of fulfillment.  In extreme cases this issue becomes so pervasive for mothers that they position themselves to abandon family life altogether by divorcing their husbands, leaving their children in the ex-husband’s care.  Interestingly enough, this phenomenon is not stereotypically defined, but rather is often an issue for career mothers as well as stay-at-home moms.  Although the range of emotions varies, what is common among most mothers is the feeling of being “spread too thin.”

Many women in today’s society have placed preposterous expectations upon themselves to be everything to everyone.  “No” seems to be a foreign concept regarding life in general.  Instead, mothers often bury their own needs in order to provide the needs and wants of to hers.  Although this effort may seem altruistic in theory, at the end of the day many mothers struggle with feelings of guilt, rooted in the distorted belief that “it’s never enough.”  Over time, such feelings of failure can cripple self-esteem, leaving mothers drained, hopeless, powerless, and empty.  Unfortunately, mothers frequently find themselves too exhausted to deal with their pain, so they merely suppress it.  Eventually, the desire to escape the pain escalates, often leading mothers toward harmful behaviors and destructive patterns.  As the damage is assessed, mothers can become disillusioned and even defeated by the negative outcome of their lives.  There is no doubt that the role responsibility of wife and mother can seem an insurmountable challenge.  However, if managed effectively, family life can be enjoyable.

MISGUIDED EXPECTATIONS  

Most individuals deny that they try to “keep up with the Jones’.”  However, the rationale behind many family decisions, although subtle and sometimes subconscious, is rooted in “what people will think or say.”  For example, as parents honestly examine underlying motives and hidden agendas regarding decisions related to children, marriage, employment, reputation, etc., they often discover that they are either protecting themselves from being judged by others or elevating themselves before the eyes of others.  Therefore, caring what others will think or say is often factored into the decision-making process.  These external expectations can burden healthy family living.  Taking ownership for creating these types of elevated family expectations can be a powerful first step for family reconstruction.  For example, as parents recognize their participation in accepting and/or creating unnecessary family expectations, they are able to redesign a more pleasant lifestyle.  Searching internal motives can be a challenging task.  Confronting and altering familiar patterns of behavior can also be a daring undertaking.  However, the results can liberate an otherwise anxious family existence. 

PEOPLE PLEASING  

Generally speaking, “people-pleasing” behaviors are oppositional to good mental health.  Furthermore, this type of behavior can be extremely destructive within the family structure.  Pleasing people is not altogether a negative concept.  In fact, it is a good thing to allow compassion to motivate good deeds towards others.  However, this behavior can become destructive if the motive is to fulfill a self-identity need.  For instance, if an individual is constantly doing for others to feel good about herself, then this role can become her identity.  To sustain this identity, the individual feels a drive to continue to give, to the point of exhaustion.  This is the position many mothers accept within the family.  Mothers begin to expect themselves to please others all the time.  The exhaustion of this particular role promotes feelings of resentment towards the very people the mother has targeted to please.  This type of resentment can develop into feelings of detachment, which can be harmful to the mother-child bond as well as the marital relationship.  Therefore, although it is extremely important for mothers to be present and emotionally available for their husbands and children, it cannot become their sole identity.  Typically mothers resist forsaking people-pleasing behaviors because it threatens their identity.  In such cases, mothers will benefit from rediscovering and repairing their proper identity as a person, rather than depending on a role to characterize individuality. 

SELF-CARE

Redefining “self” can begin by stimulating certain natural systems.  Each individual requires physical stimulation, intellectual stimulation, emotional stimulation, and spiritual stimulation.  To function properly, these natural systems need daily attention.  Mothers often are lacking in many of these areas.  The most common excuses among many mothers relate to the lack of time and energy.  However, if misguided expectations and people-pleasing behaviors are addressed effectively, perhaps time, as well as energy, would avail more readily.   

Since many traditional mothers consider putting themselves before their families a selfish intention, I will avoid making such a recommendation.  However, I would suggest that mothers consider making a few significant accommodations in order to at least place themselves “in the mix” of their family life.  The importance of such an act would assist in building self-esteem, as well as revitalize energy levels.  As the chemical levels of these systems are elevated, the mother, and thus the family, will benefit from the results.

“PIES” IS A SIMPLE ACRONYM TO RECALL THE VARIOUS NATURAL SYSTEMS THAT REQUIRE DAILY STIMULATION:  

P-PHYSICAL STIMULATION – this category includes exercise (running, walking, biking), physical touch (a hug, massage), and sexual activity.  Mothers can be encourages that a little goes a long way.  The natural chemicals that are produced through physical stimulation can help individuals feel healthier. 

I-INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION – this category includes learning something that is new and interesting.  Many mothers put off learning about a particular topic because it seems like such a distant idea or goal.  However, baby steps can be quite effective.  Just begin the process of discovery.

E-EMOTIONAL STIMULATION – this category includes relationship.  Women need an intimate connection with their partner.  If this bond is absent, then repairing the relationship through marital counseling can be quite effective.  Additionally, mothers would benefit by selecting friendships that provide as much energy as they deplete.  If the cost of a relationship out-weighs the benefits, making proper adjustments is required for self-care.

S-SPIRITUAL STIMULATION – this category includes building the internal self.  Tools such as prayer, meditation and devotional time can be valuable in creating an internal sense of peace and overall wellness.  Spiritual enlightenment, rather than religious activity, is the primary goal for spiritual stimulation.

Mothers who give themselves permission to take a “time-out” in order to regulate these systems can gain mental and emotional health that will assist in balancing themselves, as well as their family life.  Mothers can hold themselves accountable by asking themselves, “Have I had a piece of my PIES today?”

(Suzette Bowen is a Marriage and Family Therapist who is currently doing her MFT internship with me, Murphy Toerner, at Murphy Toerner and Associates, Inc.  She is gifted in working with marrages, families, and individuals.  If you would like to comment on this article, you may contact Suzette at 225-753-7773 (our office phone number) or email her at Tsbbb1@cs.com  or Suzette@murphytoerner.com .  Blessing to all of you.  -- Murphy Toerner )