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 "Conflict" Is Not a Four-Letter Word

Murphy Toerner

Most of us detest the concept of "conflict."  If you grew up in a home where there was a lot of conflict, you probably don't like it when people raise their voices.  You probably hate it when the conflict kicks into "full throttle." 

The truth is "conflict" is not a four-letter word.  It is an eight letter word.  The truth is conflict does NOT always have to be bad.  If we were to learn how to reconcile and work through our issues, conflict could actually be used by God to create greater maturity in each of us. 

How can conflict be constructive?  There are a few ground rules that help:

• Give up any desire to "win."  Instead try to totally understand what the other person is saying.
• Listen, listen, listen ... try to keep you heart soft, don't get defensive.  When you get defensive it is a sure sign that you have stopped trying to understand.  You are too engrossed with making a defense.  Intermittently, repeat what you think you are hearing them say in order to make sure you are tracking with the other person.
• Stay on topic, the current topic.  Don't bring up the past.  If there is more than one issue, just take them one at a time.
• Don't label or name call, this only produces distance.  Don't every say, "You always" or "You never".  Don't speak in extremes.  Don't judge.  Accept the person where they are and think the very best of them.
• Be willing to own your part in the matter, it always takes two.  You are just as much a part of the problem as the other person.  Just "man-up" and take reponsibility.
• Be ready to say, "I'm sorry" and I'm not talking about the cursory type of "sorry."  I'm talking about the kind of "sorry" that is based on a deep down regret and remorse.  I'm talking about the type of "sorry" that enables us to make a commitment to the other person that we don't want to ever commit that offense again and mean it.
• As resolution takes place, another thing that you can say is, "Is there anything else you need from me?"  The other person might need to hear you say you are sorry again or that you regret your part in the matter.

Resolution is a wonderful thing.  It will bring you closer to the people you love.  Your relationship will get deeper and more committed.

So, don't be afraid of conflict.  Try to put these things into practice and see what happens.  You might want to show this list to your spouse so that you both are playing with the same set of rules.

Bless you...

Murphy